Not like me.

Tonight is like usual..Hot~
Long time not been to my blog. Recently, I really seldom update my blog.
This whole new year, I just feeling everything is not that right, including my mood.
Up and down. Up and down.
Many things happened. Many people come and go. Many feelings changed. Many things and people changed also or are going to change.
I used to be excited to join any trip and game, but me myself also don't know why lately I don't have such initiative already. Something has changed inside me. When there is somebody close to you can't go anywhere, can't cherish together with you, I ll feel sorry and incomplete. This is not because she doesn't want to. In fact, a bit scare of going out for any trip because I am really scare of if...No more optimistic me. But I am trying to not think of that. Trying my best to join even though deep in my heart is feeling unsecure and I didn't talk to anybody about that. I am feeling scare!
Two days ago, I got to know a friend of me met in an accident with his girl friend during valentine day. Unfortunately, his gf did not survived. Once again, that incident being put into my heart, my mind..and it always pops up to remind me.
Sometimes I ll feel like so helpless. How am I support to let people understand my feeling but not my excuses? Or am I really want everyone to know about that?
I can went blank standing in the middle of road looking at the car coming..But, it's ok because I can choose to wait untill I feel safe to cross the road. But I don't know how to say no to certain people sometimes. Perharps I also need to learn to say no.
To a best friend of mine :
May be sometime I acted in the wrong way. Giving the response wrongly. Getting mad unnecessary. I am just a normal people that will make mistake and may be I don't realise that I had hurt people. I still not mature in many things and I am feeling sorry about today for hurting you. I hope this do not make you feel like I am making the excuses. The truth thing is I only showing my real self, my anger to a friend that i trusted to. Trying my best to join this saturday's picnic by breaking my promise to accompany a friend to buy thing that day and change the date of cleaning up another friend's house to another day. I am trying to make everyone happy...Just hope that there is even a single person can understand that. I really a bit not like me lately, a bit tired, a bit unhappy, a bit unsecure..a bit of don't know what to do...and sincerely, sorry.